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Sunday, July 11, 2004
12*10*03-7*10*04 7 months down, forever to go
On December 10, 2003 I started going out with him. It was great. I mean, we'd been friends for so long, how could it not work out. It was truly like heaven, at least for a little while. Then I started hanging out with the wrong person. I was convinced that to keep him around, I had to know where he was and who he was with at all times. I called several times a day, and got extremely pissed when he didn't call back. Now, for those of you who really know me, that doesn't sound like me at all. It was, though. I became obsessive, to the point where I was going to visit him at work, which again is very unlike me. I got mad at him when he didn't call me back, and I made it perfectly clear that I thought he didn't love me, even though I knew he did. Truth be told, I was a real frigid bitch. Then I went on vacation. Again, even though I was all the way in Washington D.C., I was still being extremely possessive and obsessive. I'm not really sure what was wrong with me, but I can tell you that looking back on that makes me want to have taken a hammer to my head at so many points in the last few weeks of our relationship. So, I got home from Washington, and that night he called me and we broke up. It wasn't like he broke my heart or anything, because honestly, I could see it coming, and we actually kind of needed it. Not even the breakup, but just the reality of it's possibility. So, we decided we'd be best friends, like we used to be, which was no big deal because we had been for so long, it was just like reverting backwards. There was only one thing wrong with that. I still loved him. He wasn't sure about what he wanted or what he needed or anything, so I gave him time. We decided to hang out last week. Seeing him was unbearable. All I wanted to do was wrap my arms around him, and just not let go. I had the stong impulse to just jump in his arms and kiss him. The funny thing about that is he had the same impulse, which is good and bad. Basically, we decided that dating would be a good idea. So, actually, if you can even really count those two weeks, because I talked to him almost every night, we didn't really actually break up for real. Oh, for any of you who were wondering, yes we did kiss. Yesterday, we went mini golfing. Part of me didn't want to go because yesterday would have been our 7 month anniversary, but I'll explain that later. So we went and had a ton of fun. I lost by three, but I got the only hole-in-one, so it's all good. We got ice cream, and we sat down and we started talking. Of course, him being the person that he is, he knew something was on my mind, and there was no way I was going to be able to go the rest of the day without telling him, so I did. I told him that I hated not being his girlfriend, because it felt right to be with him. Guess what?! He said he felt the same. That made me go speechless. I really wasn't expecting that at all. So then it was getting kind of hot sitting at the picnic table, so we decided to go chill in my car. He gave me a really big hug. We started talking and we thought about a lot of stuff. Reasons why we weren't together, what we could do to fix it now. Basically, we decided that we weren't together because of the stuff I did, which is perfectly logical. The flaw in that is that at the current moment we don't actually have any problems to fix, so that kind of defeats the purpose of the breakup. He suggested that we go back out, and then we work through whatever problems we have as they come to us. He promised to tell me when something bothers him, and I swore I'd be less of an insane bitch, which shouldn't be too hard, because I've officially stopped talking to her. So, yet again, we are boyfriend and girlfriend. Then I decided to be totally spontaneous, but I won't go into detail about that. All you have to know is that Leah is so proud of me. haha So then, I was talking to him later in the night and he said that he would rather consider it 7 months than 1 day, so that's what we're going to do, which means in December, it'll be 1 year. That should be interesting. Well, I'll update more later.
<3 Sarah Jane
12*10*03- my one and only always and forever...I love you.
Posted at 09:38 am by xodreamdivaxo
Permalink
Saturday, July 10, 2004
I stole this off of Fil's livejournal but I'm sure she won't mind:
About the opposite sex
- - Your Favorite - -
Hair Color:: brown or something creative
Eye Color:: brown most definitely
(Their)Music Genre Preference:: not rap...or at least not for the most part
Height(estimate):: at least a few inches taller than me so i can wear heels
Age:: it doesn't matter as long as there's a connection there
Personality Type:: sweet and sensitive...funny....has to be polite while talking to me but someone who isn't afraid to have a good time too
- - This or That - -
Older or Younger:: i dunno....i never really thought about it
Romantic or Horndog:: romantic
Smart or Stupid:: smart, so i can have an intellectual conversation once in a while
Fat or Skinny:: Skinny
Skinny but Muscular or Big and Muscular:: it depends on the guy...some guys look better skinny some guys don't
Punk or Preppy:: both
The Big Picture or the Little Things: Little things without a doubt
Flowers/Candy or Big Expensive Present:: flowers and candy if he has to get me something...if not i like poetry or songwriting
Mixtape or Burned CD: : tape....i don't have a cd player in my car :-(
Love or Lust:: Love
Emotional or Just Not:: emotional enough where he knows he can talk about his feelings
Sincere or Jokester:: both
Hott and mean or Ugly and sweet:: ugly and sweet but i haven't come across that yet
Sexy or Just "cute":: umm...i dunno
Arse or Abs:: abs
Hair or Hands:: hair
Dimples or Eyes:: dark brown eyes lol fil knows what I'm talking about
Biceps or Calves/Thighs:: biceps
Teeth or Nose(some people are just wierd):: teeth
Clean Shaven or Scruffy:: usually scruffy
Rugged or Prim and Proper:: rugged but not like they haven't seen daylight for years.
Countryboy or Cityboy:: cityboy
Date alone or With Friends: : definitely alone....no friends
Mama's Boy or Rebel Without A Cause:: definitely someone who has his points where he'll be bad but he doesn't take it to an extreme
- - Have You Ever - -
Dumped a guy because he liked you too much:: no
Loved a guy because he stalked you::no that's creepy
Loved a guy because he hated you:: hmmm....i don't think so but i don't know who hated me
Asked your friend's crush out:: no...wanted to but i didn't know she liked him too
Lead a guy on for kicks:: definitely not
Asked a guy out purely because he was hott:: no, i wouldn't do that
Flirted with guys even though you had a boyfriend:: it's not flirting its being friendly
Lied about not having a boyfriend:: i don't think so
Lied about having one:: yea...thats how they leave you alone
Cheated:: yea, but i really was sorry
Been Cheated on:: probably
Had a crush on a gay guy:: nope
- - Their Clothing(yes/no) - -
Boxers?:: definitely
Briefs?:: no
Hat?:: yea, especially those snowboarding hats...lol
Skater Shoes?:: yea they look cute on almost neone
Pimp Shoes?:depends on the guy but usually no
Band Shirts?:: yea
Vintage shirts?:: very cool
Southpole/um..other thug clothes..?:: for the guys who can pull it off yea
Dixie Outfitters/Big Johnsons?:: all clothing depends on the guy
Independent/DC?:: yea...well not for all guys
Skavenger/UGP?:: " " " " "
Fox/Thor?:: " " " " "
Jeans or Shorts?:: both....but no shorts in the winter
- - Be Honest - -
Would you ever date a guy for his money?:: wow that would be rude
Would you ever date a guy for his social status:: definitely not
Have you ever liked hanging out with your bf's friends more than him?:: no
Have you ever pretended to like somebody to make them feel better?:: no
Do looks matter?:: not if he's a great guy
Are you honestly scared of being dumped?:: sometimes...but not really
Does size matter?:: no
Do you avoid 'situations' with ugly guys?:: i don't think so
Are you ashamed to be seen with your ugly friends?:: i don't have any ugly friends
Are you ashamed for being ashamed?(you better be):: huh?
Do you hide things from your crushes/guy friends/bf?:: occasionally
Do you lie about masturbation for attention or false innocence?:: umm no that would be weird
Are you dissapointed when your bf doesn't say I love you right away?:: not at all...actually he said it first
Wanna be a virgin till marriage?:: well...umm...oops! lol
Do you really love the guys everytime that you say it?:: well there's different levels of love...i've told some guys i've loved them as friends and as people and 2 that i really did/do love
Would you makeout with a guy friend just to get it over with/curiosity?:: umm....neither i'd do it cuz it's fun...trust me i've tried lol
Does this survey suck nuts?:: pretty much, yea
Some of these questions were extremely dumb, and as for the clothing questions, well there's different styles for different guys. I mean, it would be weird seeing some of the guys we know in skater shoes and Independent wear.... that's ok, though. Well, it's early, I'm hyper. and I need to go get gas for my car and then get ready because I get to go mini golfing with Jim today. oooo I'm excited!!! I'll update more later.
<3 Sarah Jane
Posted at 09:12 am by xodreamdivaxo
Permalink
Wednesday, July 07, 2004
something you need to know
It's been hard for me to think of things to write in here. There are a lot of people that I feel I just can't tell things to anymore for whatever the reason. I mean, yes, I have a good group of friends who are always there for me when I need them to be, but part of me still feels like hiding things has become my gift. It's become easier and easier to just not tell people what's going on in my life. To be honest, I know exactly why that is. It's because with a lot of people I talk to, telling them things would be like being put under a microscope. Now, this isn't all of the people I talk to, so please don't assume it's you. Actually, I don't think the people who it is about would actually realize that it's about them . Anyway, back to the point. I can't tell all of you things anymore because you judge me. I need to be able to make decisions on my own for the reasons that I have, and not need to run them by you everytime just so you can tell me what's wrong with what I'm doing. If I'm doing something, all of you should trust that what I'm doing is what I believe is right for me and for the people it involves. I'm not talking about throwing up or wanting to throw myself off a bridge, but seeing someone or wanting to see someone shouldn't be a crime. I shouldn't need your permission to talk to someone and I certainly shouldn't hear from you that it's not a good idea after all the things you've said and done with and to people. It amazes me how the one person who I know would say it was a bad idea is also the one person who does it ten times more and worse themselves. It's ironic how that works isn't it? The one person who I can't tell is the one person that all of us had to listen to for 6 months. I'm done. I'm done with all of you.
Smurph3699 (1:39:24 PM): do wat ur heart says and do wat makes u happy now
dreamdiva301 (1:39:30 PM): exactly
Smurph3699 (1:39:47 PM): if u live ur life worryin about the future, it ruins ur past causing u not to hav much of a past to look bak on
dreamdiva301 (1:40:25 PM): yea...like if you think about what might happen then you might not do something that will make you extremely happy at least for a short time...its about living for today not tomorrow
Smurph3699 (1:44:12 PM): mmhmm
^That's what I need to do. I need to live for today. Make my decisions solely based on how I feel about them at the time I'm making them. If I don't do that, I can assure you that I'll regret something incredibly soon. I just wanted all of you to know that. I wanted all of you to be able to know that if you ask I won't tell. I'm through with telling, I don't want any of you to know.
I'll update more later...<3 Sarah Jane
Posted at 02:04 pm by xodreamdivaxo
Permalink
Saturday, July 03, 2004
I'm seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself...
He's amazing. A hero. Courageous, self-scarificing, doing everything just to help other people. He's the kind of guy you'd stand out in the rain for hours to just get a glimpse of. He's the kind of person many people aspire to be, but never actually get to be. He's the one who's given up everything he's wanted, or even needed, just so he could help other people. He's also the one that for as much as he does all this, he gets little to no praise for it, and that doesn't usually bother him. He just helps people to help people. He doesn't worry about the glory or the girl. He knows what he has to do and he does it. I wish I could be like him. Truly. His whole life, or at least the time I've known him in, he's been nothing but a caring, considerate, fine individual, and I aspire to be like him, in that aspect of life, in the future. To be truly self-scarificing is give up the things you need the most to better mankind. It's to give up things you may want so that your parents can have a little extra cash. It's to give spending a night with your friends, so you can see the girl you haven't seen in ages. It's to give up talking to that girl for a couple of hours so you can mow the lawn, or help your sister with her homework. At 16, that's a very hard person to be. Most teenagers are very self-centered, and even the ones who aren't completely self-centered can be selfish at times. I don't think I've ever once seen him be selfish. That truly amazes me. If you can be selfless at 16 years old, you're set for life. Granted, he probably doesn't believe that considering he thinks he can write that book for Theology, you know "When Bad Things Happen to Good People." However, he has still never once appeared selfish in my eyes. The way he treats people, the fact that he's always there to listen even if you have to complain about him. It's like he doesn't even care that he's not getting what he wants. That's going to change now, though. Not because he wants it to, but because I want it to. I'm going to start listening to him when he has problems, and I'm going to give up time to see him when he needs to see me, or when he really needs to tell me something, but it would be better in person. I'm going to start giving of myself the way he's given himself every day for the past three years. Thank you wouldn't even suffice for all he's done for me. He knows so much that no one else does. He's the only person I've been able to talk to about a few things in several years. I know I've got my other friends, and they're awesome, but there are certain things I just don't feel comfortable talking to them about. I'm not sure why, but that's just the way it goes. He, however, has listened countless times to my constant rants about life and love and everything like that.
* His kiss lights up every part of me as if it were his calling. When I'm with him, it feels like nothing could go wrong. All I ever want to do is just sit in his embrace, hoping that one day, God's grace will shine upon us and he will be mine again, just like he's supposed to be. For as much as that hug may have made me cry, it also made me realize that it's just as hard for him as it is for me. It also made me realize that I'm not alone, and that in all reality, we're going to be able to make it through this. The reason for that is that we're best friends, and I can honestly say, without a doubt in my mind, we wouldn't even be talking to each other right now if we hadn't been such good friends to begin with. OH YES! For any of you who are wondering, IMPULSES SUCK!*
I'll write more later
<3 Sarah
Posted at 09:49 am by xodreamdivaxo
Permalink
Thursday, July 01, 2004
*The way I truly feel*
For all of you who have been wondering what's been going on in my life, here's a synopsis. Me and Jim broke up. As far as it seems, that's going to last a while. Part of me honestly doesn't think that I would say yes if he told me he wanted me back next week. And all of you can say "You go girl" but it's not because he broke up with me. It's because, honestly, I think I'm actually starting to get over him, and I don't want to fall back into that. Not right now. Not with my head the way it is, and certainly not with the amount of time I've actually gotten to spend with my girls. It's been awesome. I haven't been worried when he hasn't called. I haven't thought that maybe he took off or anything like that. I've thought a lot about what I'm going to do about dating, though. You see, I have three guys in mind right now. Jim is still one of them, although the more I think about it, that slowly fades away. Not for any other reason, but it just doesn't feel right at this point for us to be together, plain and simple. Another option...Mike. We talked last night, and it's still up in the air, but it's definitely possible that we could end up back together. Part of me really wants that, because I'm not really sure why we broke up in the first place. It would be nice to at least try that again at some point. Again, I'm not going to date right now, but in the near future at some point, it wouldn't be totally bad. My third option. Well, actually, that's kind of ironic. I can't mention his name because a few people who read this would kill me, and because if Jim ever found out, he'd be crushed. In other words, it's a close friend of Jim's. Well, kind of close. I really like his personality, and the way he talks to me. He makes me feel really relaxed, and he's very laid back, and calm about a lot, but he also has his moments where he just can't control anything and I totally relate to that. We get along really well, which is odd, because I never thought that I would actually be friends with him. It's weird the way life's been treating me lately. I'm not ever sure what to do anymore. There's just one bad thing about the third guy. He likes someone else, and I don't think that's going to go away anytime soon, and he doesn't like me like that, but that's not to say he'll never like me like that, right?! He might. Oh! Kill me for saying this. If she wasn't so protective of her brother, and if he ever liked me like that, I might consider him too, because he's one of those genuinely sweet guys. Well, that's my options for dating. If you have any ideas, IM me at dreamdiva301 or leave comments. I'll be checking back later. <3 for now ~Sarah~
Posted at 07:18 pm by xodreamdivaxo
Permalink
It amazes me how much something can change in just a matter of weeks. If you had asked me the last day of school what I would be doing on the 4th of July my answer would have been: "I'll be at Jim's." Now, I sit here, 3 days before the 4th, and I don't know what I'm doing for it. Part of me wants to just hang out at my house and chill because I don't really like family events. Part of me would like to go to the beach and watch the fireworks. Part of me would like to go see my cousin's because I haven't seen them in a while. Still, a part of me wished I had been one of those friends that Jim invited to his house for the 4th. I know I said I don't want to see him, but there's still a part of me that wishes it could've been different or that it could've been better. Oh well! There's no use dwelling on the past. So, let's move on to the present. Last night I went to a college meeting at the school. It was ok. I hate listening to them tell us about deadlines, though, because if they haven't noticed it is only June. It's not like it's November 1st, and all the applications are due on the 15th. That's ok, though. I kind of just brushed off what they said. I took the SAT's already, and I did pretty good on them, so there's not much else I can do now, but just go on and try and do my best on the applications and throughout senior year and just hope that I get accepted somewhere. Even if I have to go somewhere and then transfer to somewhere else after, I just need to get into some school somewhere and I'll be happy. Listening to Ms. Ogden made me feel better, though. It's nice to hear someone who has faith in us, and that's exactly what she has. She has a lot of faith that all of us could do whatever we want and we can go wherever we want, even if we don't always believe that ourselves. So, then I came home and did some thinking about college and some thinking about some other stuff. Then I decided to call Mike, because I hadn't talked to him in a really long time. It was actually really fun. I found out some stuff that kind of bothered me at first, but overall it was a great conversation. He let me have his schedule for baseball and basketball for this summer, so I'll probably go to a few games. There's still a few things about him that bother me, but I'm sure it's nothing. Although, if it was nothing, I probably wouldn't be crying. I think I know why I'm upset though. I'm scared because as the days go by, it's not as hard to let go of Jim as I thought it would be. I mean, I still love him with all my heart, and I wish there was some way to fix all of it, but there's not, and I think I've come to accept that, and that scares me, because that means that I can let him go now with a clear conscience and part of me doesn't want to do that. I guess I don't want to necessarily do that because that's almost like giving up hope of us ever being back together, and I, personally, don't want that thought in my head. I don't want to feel like I'm never going to be with him again, but it also doesn't feel as if it would be right for us to be together at the current moment either. I think that's another reason why I'm so confused. Part of me wants me to be with him, and part of me doesn't. For the time being, I think I'm just going to let things lie low. If he calls, he calls. If he wants to see me after he figures all that out, then maybe I'll see him. I don't want to be attached to anyone, and I certainly don't want a boyfriend at the current moment. Maybe in a few months from now, yea, but right now, definitely not. So, today, I went to Patterson's (the dance store) with my sister, and then we went to this animal place and then we went grocery shopping for my mom. Then when I got home from that, I called Leah, and she said she got her pictures back from the concert, and I wanted to see them, so she came over, and we looked at the pictures. Then we went to pizza club because she wanted mozzarella sticks, and as we were leaving there we saw Jimmy and Tommy Pena, which was weird. Then we went to the car wash, and after driving through (not in neutral) the car was still all soapy, so we had to go again. The guy was nice, though. So Leah's car is all clean now, and it actually looks really good. On the way back from the car wash, we stopped at Mike's. It was a little weird seeing him, but it felt as if I'd seen him yesterday, which was cool. Then we were going to go see Kim, but she was still sleeping, but we got to talk to Fred before he left for work. haha He looked so cute in his little blockbuster outfit...lol So that was basically my incredibly random day with Leah, and to think we only spent an hour with each other. Well, I'm going to go and work on some stuff, but I'll update more later.
<3 Sarah
*WILL YOU EVER THINK OF ME THAT WAY*
Posted at 06:32 pm by xodreamdivaxo
Permalink
Wednesday, June 30, 2004
Life's little random things
So, I know I haven't updated recently or at least not really. Let's see. Last Tuesday, Fil and I decided we were in much need of some shopping time, so we hit the mall for a couple of hours. That was loads of fun. There was sales everywhere, so I got lotion at Bath n Body Works for $4, which is extremely cheap for that place. Wednesday I went out for ice cream with my sister, and we just kind of drove around for a while. That was pretty fun. We've been spending a lot of time together, which has been nice. Wednesday night I talked to Dan, which was super fun. I hadn't talked to him since we got out of school, so it was nice. We talked for like 2 hours just about everything that's going on in our lives, and about school and such. Oh....and I told him I'd find him a date for prom for next year so that's my goal for senior year. To get Dan a date, and to change Jim's mind because currently he doesn't want to go to prom. That's ok, though. I have almost a full year to do that. I'm sure I can work something out with both of them. Maybe I'll be Dan's date, considering that's what I said to Jim about semi this year. I promised him I'd find him a date, and I did. I mean I didn't expect it to be me, but hey if it works why not use it. lol Thursday I hung out with Leah. We went to Wendy's because that's what we do. I think I always go out for food with Leah. Friday I went looking for a job. I didn't get one yet, but hopefully I'll get one soon. Saturday I don't think I did anything. Well, me and my mom went to Border's to try and find the books for my A.P. English class for next year. We found Invisible Man, but that was it, so she ordered the other one's on BarnesandNoble.com, because that's so much easier than trying every book store on the east coast. Sunday I didn't think I was going to do anything, but Leah called and wanted to hang out. We were going to go to the Palace, but everyone was to tired to drive us there, so we decided to go to the Dashboard Confessional concert at the Tsongas instead. I love how life is so random when I'm around Leah. Nothing we do is ever planned, and I think that's what makes it as much fun as it is. The concert ROCKED! It was beyond everything I could've imagined. Dashboard's lead singer is gorgeous for those of you who didn't already know that. oh man! It was such a perfect night. We met these guys from New York. They had come to see Thrice, who opened for Dashboard. Then after Leah went crowd surfing and after I lost the rest of the people I was with, I met a boy. He was wicked nice, and it would be awesome if I could remember his name, but I can't. Oh well! There will be plenty of boys to meet all summer. So, we got back to Leahs at like 11:30. She called Erin and Nico, and I called Jim. Oh man! I was so out of it. I was telling him how he should be really happy because he's a really good person. I also gave him permission to date Toni, which is weird, but that's ok because he doesn't want to date Toni. Actually, I don't think he wants to date anyone, or that's the impression I keep getting from when I talk to him. Maybe he'll change his mind, and I'll be able to set him up with someone. I know that sounds weird, but I used to set him up with people, so I might as well just keep going with that. So, Monday me and Leah went to go get Greg to bring him to his interview at Dunkin's but then we just ended up going there early because his meeting got changed to a couple hours later. Then when we went back to Leahs, we washed down her car, and aired it out for a little while. It really needs to be totally cleaned and totally vacuumed but thats alrite. Yesterday, I hung out with my sister a lot. We went swimming, and watched this year's recital tape and Toy Story 2. We also went to Market Basket, where I swear if the empty candy wrapper on the ground had had anything in it, she probably would've picked it up. She's like that, even though she swore she wouldn't have. Tonight is the college meeting at school. That should be interesting. So far it doesn't seem like that many people are going, but that's alrite. I get to see Toni, Leah, and Marliese, which is cool, because Leah's the only one of them I've actually seen this summer so far. It should be fun. I also have to talk to Mr. Krupa because apparently my schedule is messed up for next year. I hope no one screws me over, because the classes I have to take, I need, and the classes I don't have to take are the ones I want in my schedule, like Creative Writing and Psychology. Oh well! I'm not worrying myself about anything right now. It seems pointless to worry. It doens't get anyone anywhere when they worry. Well, I guess I'm going to go work on some stuff...probably some more poetry or notes or something. I'll update about the meeting and life sometime soon.
<3 Sarah
*Sometimes I fall so fast
When I hit that bottom crash
You're all I have*
-Dedicated to all my friends-
*You know, I'm the one that you can talk to
Sometimes, you tell me things that I don't wanna know
I just want to hold you
You say, exactly how you feel about her
I wonder, could you ever think of me that way*
-Dedicated- «it's a long story
Posted at 12:05 pm by xodreamdivaxo
Permalink
Monday, June 28, 2004
Closing her eyes
She refuses to see
The girl that all of them
Wanted her to be.
She can't do it anymore
She just wants to sit and cry
Because she's watched the years
Just pass her right by.
She wants to know what to do
She wants to know how to fix this
In all reality the only thing she wants
Is to just be able to feel that kiss.
Once more pressing his soft lips
She's gaze at him for an entire night
Just to be able to hear him say:
"I'll always hold you tight"
She misses hearing his soft voice
And knowing that he belonged to her
All she wants is for one last moment
To know it's true, to be so sure
Lately all she's felt is distance
Growing apart and the swept away
But if she had one more chance
This is exactly what she would say:
"I never meant to hurt you that way
I hope you can forgive me for it all
You're the only one I was sure about
The only one who didn't let me fall.
I know how much pain I caused
But I'm sure we can work things out
Could you at least try
And tell me what this is all about?
I'm not sure where to go from here
I don't know how to help all of it
I want to fix everything that I did
Because I want that eternal flame to be lit."
Writing would seem to be the only thing that's actually helping me get my feelings out. Although I'm not sure why, it's been quite helpful so I'm not complaining at all. I'm extremely confused so if it appears that this doesn't actually make sense or if it seems like it's contradictory to the one from the other day, it probably is but that's the way my head's been lately. I've been in a very contradictory mood. None of my feelings have actually made sense.
Posted at 05:55 pm by xodreamdivaxo
Permalink
Sunday, June 27, 2004
Silence keeps her strong
She sits up late at night
Writing in her bed
Of thoughts that come upon her
The ones dancing in her head
She swore she'd never like him
He wasn't the one for her
But as she begins to look closer
She's really not quite sure
It's not the right time or place
And she knows he doesn't care
But all she wants is for one night
To just have him there
What a weird wish, she says
"I never thought that would end
So I never really thought
He'd be anything more than a friend"
As she looks deeper into herself though
She begins to see passion unfold
The way they talk to each other
If only she were a little more bold
Maybe something could happen
A spark could fly between the two
But for now she'll just sit and wait
And silently dream of you!
»Written by yours truly. Isn't it lovely. It's about a girl who's stuck. She's not sure what she wants out of life, but what she does know is that what she's feeling isn't supposed to be there. She's worried about what people might say if they found out and what he might say when she tells him, so she stays silent and doesn't tell anyone, and prays that maybe someday the feeling will subside and she won't have to worry about what people would say because she wouldn't feel that way at all. Basically, it sums up what it's like to have feelings for someone that you can't go near, whether it's a best friend, or an ex-boyfriend, or a best friend of an ex-boyfriend. Either way, the girl has to learn to deal with this problem on her own because if she doesn't a lot could go wrong in her life. She feels trapped. She can't go back because her past is extremely painful, but part of her also can't move forward because her mind just won't allow her to. She wants to because she wants to love again, but she can't because he hasn't totally let her go yet, so she can't let him go, just in case there's that chance that they could be together again someday. Unfortunately, that's what is tearing her apart. The fact that he has yet to tell her how he truly feels because he has yet to figure it out himself. For as much as not thinking about it has been great because she hasn't cried, it's also killing her because she's being thrown for a loop not knowing whether or not he still loves her or not. It doesn't make sense to her, and she tries to tell him that, and then he gets all defensive, and says that it's better to just not think of anything. The worst part of all of this is that she could be moving on with her life right now if he would just say how he felt, or if he would just figure out how he felt. She would be able to keep it off her mind and focus on other things. It wouldn't be so hard for her to talk to him or any other guys for that matter, because at the current moment she almost feels bad if she talks to other guys because she wants things to be good between them before she goes out and starts looking for someone else to date. Basically, the point of this poem is she may like someone new or she may not but she wants to be able to and she can't until things are squared away with him. That's why she's keeping silent, and maybe that will help, because if she doesn't say anything she can't get hurt by anyone and maybe just maybe that's a good thing.
»»Sarah««
Posted at 02:55 pm by xodreamdivaxo
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Wednesday, June 23, 2004
I've been in quite the writing mood lately. I'm not sure why. I guess it's just what I do to get my feelings out there. It's one of the only ways I know that will help me get my point across when it needs to be. I've also been doing quite a lot of thinking lately. There are very few people I trust with everything that has gone on in my life. There are people I tell certain things to, but those people tend to be the people who I don't mention the really bad stuff to. I know I have a lot of people I could go to if I needed to, but it also appears sometimes that no one thinks that I've got problems of my own. It's assumed apparently, that since I've got two parents, a sister, and an ok education that I've got all I could ever ask for in life. Well, that's not exactly true. I have my share of problems, too, and very few people I know actually see that. To those people I am grateful. I don't know where I'd be without them. It's these few people who have kept me from doing some pretty dangerous things to myself in the past years. It's also these people that make me smile and make me laugh no matter how upset I am about something. They know every in and out feeling I've got, from the things that piss me off to the things that make me happy, and even down to the things that I never mention. They just know they're there. The little things that make me upset. These people are the ones who know I'm upset just by the way I say something or the way I look. I could be smiling and laughing, and they'd know that something was wrong deep down. I guess lately I've been trying to figure out exactly who those people are. I came up with four people who know me in and out as if I were some kind of book. Those five people are Emily (my sister), Kim, Kristina, Toni, and Jim. No matter what, I know I can always turn to them for anything anytime, and I've been able to for a while. My sister has been there for me through everything for so long. She's there to listen and to cry with me when I'm upset. She'll put off anything she's got just to talk to me. I love her for that. She's always there when I just need to talk at 3 in the morning. I guess that's one good thing about sharing a room. There's always someone right there when you need them. Although Kim and I haven't been friends for very long, she's always there for me. She always knows exactly what to say and when to say it. Even if she's just making fun of me for something, she always puts a smile on my face. She's been there for me so much this year through all the crap we had to put up with, and we made it through together. Kim: I can't wait for senior year. We're best friends, always and forever. Don't ever forget that. I got your back for good. I'll beat up anyone who makes you mad or upset. And yes, no matter what you wear, you're pretty, and I feel blessed to remind you of Kelly Clarkson, even if I am cheap and easy like McDonald's lol. Thank you for so many great memories over this year, and I hope there's many more to come. Kristina and I have been friends for the past 5 years. We've shared tears, fears, hopes, dreams, classes, drinks, and boyfriends. lol She's the one I know that for as much as she may be busy most days she is always there to listen to me. I've never really had many friends like that. There are days where she will seriously just call me in between everything she's doing just to make sure that I'm ok. I love her for that. I don't even know how many memories we have. There have been so many over the years that I think it would take up several entries and those would be the ones that I could remember. I love you hun and I thank you for always giving me advice when I needed it. We're going to get to do soccer together in the fall. Those practices should be fun. lol Toni, toni, toni. There's really not a whole lot you can say about Toni. She's funny, especially when she's not paying much attention. She makes me smile just by saying "SMILE!" And she always has the best suggestions, like if you're upset about a boy, or anything for that matter, eat lots of ice cream because that always helps. For the past 5 years, Toni has given me nothing but awesome advice. I hope that next year will be our best year yet Toni, and remember NO Worries! lol Jim has been there for me day in and day out for the past three years. There have been times where we've fought, and times where we haven't always agreed on everything, but he's always stuck by me. He's listened to me complain about boyfriends and friends and just how bad my day was going. He helps me through everything that is going wrong in my life. Even now, to this day, he is helping me work through some issues that I've been having lately. I owe all these people a lot for everything they've done for me. It means so much to me that I have people that I can share things with. They've never once steered me in the wrong direction, and it's because of them that I truly believe that when I go off to college in a little over a year, I will be able to make it, because I have such a strong background to work off of. Thanks to all these people and to anyone who's just been there through the little things.
<3 Sarah
Posted at 04:54 pm by xodreamdivaxo
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