The girl behind the mask...
I could turn around and tell all of you that I am fine, and you know, I bet most of you would believe me. It's true. I honestly don't know why, but it's true. I tend to be the one person, or one of the few people who say they are alright and get believed about it everytime. Well, can I explain something to all of you? No one can be alright all the time. Life can't possibly work like that. Everyone has good days and everyone has bad days, yes, including myself. I just don't walk around telling everyone about it, because in all honesty I don't find it a lot of people's business to know when I'm not happy with the way my life is going. It would be nice, though, at least, occasionally, if I didn't have to hide all my problems either. I'm not looking to spill everything that's ever happened to me. However, it would be nice to think that my best friend could be there for me and not consider me, what were the words he used, frustrating and difficult. Yes, that's it. I'm frustrating and difficult. For two years, I listened to him be upset and be disappointed and be mad every single night. No word of a lie. I was there when he got his heart broken. I was there when he needed someone to talk to. I was there when he wanted to tell someone a story. I was there in class and outside of school. I was the only person he called every night. I felt special. I helped him with his problems with his parents and with his friends. I tried setting him up with girls, and when it backfired I was there to make sure that he was still ok. I was there for every night that he sounded not even close to happy. You know, there are very few times he ever sounded happy in freshman and sophmore year, yet I stayed by his side every day, hoping that one day maybe I could actually get him to be happy, and guess what, I did. I became his girlfriend, and he said he was happier than he'd ever been. This year has been rough for me. I'm not going to lie. I know I haven't been the easiest person to deal with for the past four or five months, but to think that he couldn't be there for me for a couple of months when I had been there for him for at least two years daily, it amazed me. He swore he'd always be there, yet he was only there when it was convenient for him. He was only there when I wasn't totally upset, or when he knew it was something he could fix. He was there to make me think he was worried about me so that I felt like I could count on him. I'm not doubting he cares about me. I know he does. I'm not doubting he loves me. I know he does. I'm not doubting that somewhere in there he wants to be there for me and wants to be with me, because I'm sure somewhere in there, some part of him does. Unfortunately, it's not all of him, and that's where it goes bad. 100% of myself was given to him the day I decided to be his best friend, way back in freshman year. I never once thought twice about postponing plans or talking to someone later because he was upset about something, and I needed to help him out. That's what best friends do. They help each other out, no matter what time of day and no matter what the circumstances are. It's just what you're supposed to do. I was never very depressed, even this year. Yes, I had my up and down moments, but never anything brutal. He was always there when I needed a shoulder to cry on, until it became more important to hang out with his other friends. That's when I got pushed away. Somewhere around June, I became a lower priority, maybe not even one at all. He can go up and down about how important I am to him, but the truth is, I had to ask him a million times to get him to hang out with me. He just didn't want to see me anymore. He didn't really want to talk to me so he hung out with all his friends instead. He'd sleep over everyone else's house just so that I couldn't call him. Maybe if he had just told me what was going on, it would have been fine. I would've understood his need for space, but he didn't talk to me about it, or about anything for that matter. All he did was avoid me. I got back from Washington, D.C. and that night we broke up. It was rough, but we promised to stay close friends, so I figured it wouldn't be that tough. Unfortunately, he wasn't making his mind up about anything. He wasn't sure if he still loved me, he wasn't sure if he was ever going to want to be with me again, and he wasn't sure at some points whether or not he even wanted to be my friend. So, we hung out, as friends, and believe that did not go according to plan. We kissed, we hugged, I cried, he told me he loved me still, and we were back at square one again. We went mini golfing on the day that would've been our 7 month anniversary, and that day he asked me back out again. I said yes, because it didn't feel right not being his girlfriend. The bad part of all that, however, was that two of his best friends who he had been hanging out with everyday were on vacation. He promised he wouldn't hang out with them everyday when they got back, but he did, and we ended up breaking up a week and a half later. This is where the stupidity of Sarah comes in. A few days later we got back together. It was just something about what he said that night and how he said it. He just sounded so sincere. He promised to be here more for me, which was very cool, and he promised to see them less. Well, it was going great. It really was. We were seeing each other more often, and we were actually talking through everything. He was being the best friend I had had so long ago, and the boyfriend and best friend that I needed so much right now. All good things must come to an end, though. I wanted to throw myself over a guardrail. I was driving near the river, and believe me, I was so tempted to just drive right up and over. He was trying to calm me down, and then he just gave up. I asked if I could call him when I got home which was going to be like 2 seconds later, and then he said "no" because he was going out with his friends. He waited two hours to call back. He didn't know if I was alive or dead or something. I could've been anywhere and no one would have known. He didn't even try calling back, because he thought I wouldn't pick up. So, Friday morning, with all the integrity that I have, and all the tears that could have possibly come out of my eyes, I ended it, once and for all, or at least I think. It's not that I don't love him, because I do, with all my heart and soul, I love him more that anyone or anything. It's just become nearly impossible to be his girlfriend while I'm upset, because then I become difficult or frustrating. I do miss him, more than words could ever possibly describe, and I do feel badly, and I do wish that we could erase all of it, and we could go back and do it all right this time, but we can't. Maybe we're meant for each other and maybe we're not, but to be honest at this point, he doesn't even like it when I'm upset, so I could I be with someone who won't even deal with me when I have a problem. Thank you to any of the people who actually read all of this. I know it must be boring but I had to tell someone.
<3 Sarah Jane
Posted at 12:38 pm by xodreamdivaxo
