You don't really wanna know
So, I could sit here and think of all the things I've done wrong and all the ways I could have fixed it all, and in all honesty, that's what I've been doing a lot of lately, but I realize I can't do that anymore. I know that I'm not a bad person. It's just that there are so many things that go wrong that I make myself believe I could have prevented. I know I shouldn't do that, and that I'm being super hard on myself for a lot of things that weren't even my fault or had absolutely nothing to do with me, but I still feel like I could have done something to change most of it though. Now, though, I've stopped living in the past. I've realized that that isn't helping anyone, and it's hurting me a great deal, although if you had asked me a week ago what my life's sole purpose was, I probably would have said to hurt the people around and me and hurt myself for doing that to them. It's what I was doing. It was me. The key words in those sentence though, are all past tense. Thank GOD! I get it now, I suppose. I mean, granted, it took days of him yelling at me to try and get his point across in order for me to see it, but I do. He told me I was incredible, and I really didn't believe it, but I decided that I also couldn't continue down the path that I was headed, because that was going to hurt way too many people in the long run. So, I looked in the mirror and I repeated the words "You're beautiful" until I actually believed them. Granted, I don't think I'm gorgeous or incredible, but I guess I do see myself as being kind of pretty, and that's why I didn't do what I usually do yesterday. I guess it used to be because of stress and easing the pain I caused others, and at some point it became because I wanted to be a prettier grilfriend or as skinny as some of those other girls. I stopped eating, and on the days that I was eating I was throwing up. Actually there were points on the days where I wasn't eating that I was throwing up to. I wish I hadn't done it, and I'm glad that I'm stopping it, because I truly understand now just how much it was hurting everyone to see me like that. Remember that if you ever go to do something that hurts yourself. The people around you who know actually get hurt too, especially if they really care about you. So, I guess I owe him a really big thank you.
Jim,
From the early morning conversations where I woke you up to calming me down at 11:30 at night because I've gone completely mental, you've always been there for me. Through thick and thin, no matter how hard it got, you've been there. You haven't always known what to say, but you've always at least been there to listen. I guess in a way I take you for granted sometimes because I just assume you're always going to be there if I need you. I understand that you want to be, but there are going to be some things that I'm going to need to work through on my own. I know this is going to sound really weird, but thanks for all the yelling you did this week. I really needed that. It was kind of like a basic reality check. I know that you think I'm incredible, and I know you always have thought that. I guess I just didn't know how to get past some of the stuff that happened to me before you came along. I owe you an apology for not trusting that you were being honest, and that everything really is going to work out. I also owe you like the biggest thank you in the entire world for always sticking by me. Even as just a friend, you were always there for me, and that means more to me than you could ever know. I love you more than anything and I promise to love you forever.
~Sarah Jane~
Posted at 03:14 pm by xodreamdivaxo
